It’s mid March, and spring is in sight. Clocks set forward, longer days, and moderating temperatures. But a certain chill lingers in the air. It’s a chill I haven't gotten use too, nor do I think I ever will.
While the month of March may mark the beginning of spring on the calendar, for me personally, it marked the beginning of the “Coldest Winter” that began in March of 2008 when I was disfellowshipped from Jehovah’s Witnesses.
This is, I suppose, a let it all out, venting, lashing out, imperfect man blog posting on my part. But then again, isn’t that what blogs are suppose to be? Maybe, Maybe not.
Over the past 2 years, I’ve experienced times of deep sadness, like when I see and old friend, who turns their head the other way when they see me. Or when I see mail in the mailbox that used to be addressed to D____ and R_____ now just addressed to R____. Or the lack of Anniversary cards that use to come in Late October, wishing us a happy anniversary. It’s as if I’d died and there was no funeral. And then there is those times when the phone rings at home and the question goes through my mind. “Do I answer it”? Sometimes I do, and I experience a long silence before hearing in a chilling tone “can I speak to R_____ or M____.” It used to be “Hi Dann, how are you doing? Been working hard?” or some other friendly greeting. But that was back in the summer when things were kept warm by Organizational loyalty.
More Perfect people and some better Christians than I would not see the need for this kind of blog posting. I wish I were them. I’m not there yet, and I may never get there in this life. I admit, I’m weak, I’m faulty, I’m guilty of feeling sorry for myself. Maybe that’s why I can relate so much to the account of Jonah in the Bible. He felt sorry for himself also when the vine that provided shade died. (Jonah Chapter 4)
One thing my experience has served to illustrate very well though, is How our Lord must have felt when he was rejected by the very people he came to save. If ever there was a rejection that must have felt extremely cold, that had to have been it. Mine pales in comparison.
Even though I’ve experienced a long and bitter “Winter”, at the same time I’ve felt a presence of God in my life that is difficult to describe here. It seems like when the coldness of my experience is too much to bear, God wraps me up in his warmth, long enough to recover, and then I’m sent back to carry the cross that’s been provided.
I seem to be getting the message that suffering is not a bad thing, but is a tool to build character, and also a chance to display faith in the one who will eventually bring about the real and permanent spring. Where flower will never fail and happiness will never part. So I pray:
LORD Jesus, help me in my weakness, show me the way, teach me to be humble, lead me in the path of faith and help me remember the words of your servant Paul who said: